Me and Chocolate and Valentine's day
by Zikari8
Summary: The title says it all. Join the Baka test gang as they try to survive the hardships of Valentine's. Whether its making sure they don't get killed by the FFF or trying to convey their feelings to their special someone, the day is sure to be filled to the brim with some sort of excitement. Note: I'm a horrible romance writer.


Hello. This is my very late Baka test Valentine's day fanfic. That is all. Read if you want to...

* * *

This question was from the first semester final exam:

**Who was the Macedonian Conqueror that is famous for expanding the empire?**

**Himeji Mizuki's answer:**

He was Alexander III or also known as Alexander the Great.

**Teacher's comments:**

Good job as usual Himeji-san. I had heard that you were tutoring Yoshi and was worried that it might have taken time from your own studying but you're doing just as good as always.

**Minami Shimada's answer:**

Um… Darius III

**Teacher's comments:**

I understand how you would be confused but Darius was actually the Persian King from the same timeline. You should work out your details more carefully okay?

**Alexander the Great's Answer:**

The founder of Confucianism was Confusing

**Teacher's comments:**

I am guessing that you are Yoshi considering that your exam was the only one that I didn't get. I unfortunately have to inform you that you wrote Alexander the Great as your name and ended up writing the answer of the next question in the slot of the question beforehand. If you had not done so, you would've gotten a very good score but this is quite unfortunate.

* * *

"It's done!"

"Yeah!"

"Good job, everyone."

"…That was quite refreshing."

Hurdled around the kitchen table in the Kirishima Household, Minami, Mizuki, Aiko and Shouko cheered as they threw down the utensils that they were holding, careful not to damage the packages in front of them.

It was quite clear from every angle except for the one that Mutsurrini would prefer that the girls had probably just made some chocolate, guessing from the aprons, cooking utensils and left over chocolate in the room. If one looked closer at the counter of the kitchen, they would find four distinct packages and they had just made Valentine's day chocolate… that or maybe they would look over at the calendar that was in the dining room a few rooms away, which by the way happened to be a few more rooms away from Yuuji's room (prison), and realize that it was February the 13th.

You know… who decided that Valentine's Day would be the 14th anyways. Imagine if Valentine's day was on a Saturday and that the day before was Friday the 13th. Seems kind of ironic if you think about it. I mean on Friday you're all "Shit, we're all gonna die!" to Saturday's "I love you so much!" Seriously think about that.

Ignoring that short rant, Mizuki immediately turned to Shouko who was awkwardly staring down some chocolate on her fingers.

"Ah by the way, thank you for letting us use your house and ingredients, Shouko-chan."

"… no its fine, Mizuki. It was really fun. You're all invited to come again anytime. On the other hand, I must thank you three for helping me with my chocolate."

"No need to thank me, I did not do anything. Besides, you're such a good cook yourself, Shouko-chan."

"Yeah, that's right. There's no need for thank you's. What are girlfriends for, Prez?"

Aiko energetically burst into the conversation, coming next to the two. Minami was right behind her, lightly smiling at the rest of the girls.

"That's right. Good luck on giving Sakamoto the chocolate."

"…yes, of course… good luck giving those to Yoshii-kun, Mizuki, Minami."

"Ah-ah…"

Mizuki and Minami couldn't help but blush as they laughed awkwardly. They looked around and then met each other's eyes before once again laughing awkwardly.

"R-right…hahaha…"

"W-well…ahaha…"

Seeing this, Aiko's eyes couldn't help but spark up. She slithered towards them with her menacing smile.

"Ara… there's no need to be shy, you two."

She placed a hand on each of their shoulders and started preaching.

"Once Yoshii-kun receives your chocolates, he'll probably faint from shock. This'll be your chances to snag him."

"E-eh well… with Akihisa-kun…"

"Y-yeah, with Aki…"

They both sighed as they remembered the pure truth of the fact.

""He's too stupid to realize our feelings.""

"Ahahaha! That's so true!"

"… I feel bad for you two."

The four girls could do nothing but agree on the topic of Akihisa's stupidity.

"More than that though, I'm more interested in Kudou-san's matter."

"Eh! Me?"

Mizuki tactfully changed the topic, moving towards Aiko.

"That's right; you're going to give that chocolate to Tsuchiya-kun, right?"

"EEEEEEHHHH!"

"Actually, I want to hear about that as well."

"… I do, as well."

"W-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY WOULD I GIVE MUTSURRINI-KUN CHOCOLATE?"

"But you two have this relationship going on, right?"

"WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WOULD I HAVE WITH MUTSURRINI-KUN? THERE'S NO SUCH THING!"

"You know the way she's denying it is so suspicious."

"…the normal Aiko would just laugh it off."

"I'M TELLING YOU THAT THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN US!"

"I wonder if Tsuchiya-kun feels the same way."

"I think that he does. They seem to be very close after all."

"…I do believe that those two would be a good match."

"Listen to me! I'm telling you…"

"Speaking of which, I wonder what the boys are doing right now…"

* * *

"Don't start getting cocky, you lucky bastards. Just because you received a chocolate or two, and just happen to have a girlfriend, doesn't mean that you're not still a fool now and then. A buzzard's tongue you have, fouling your stinger with the sweet pollen of the beautiful flowers. You poisoned bees; I have a word for you. From this year, onwards you are on the death row! Valentine's day is the day of the devil! Who cares about obligations and sweet hearts, I'll destroy it all! I don't need any chocolate; all I need is the fresh blood of my handsome victim! Valentine's day is shit! Everyone join me in denouncing this crappy holiday!"

""""YEAH!"""""

The FFF screamed with their greatest cheers. Looking up at Sugawa who was making his grand speech, they were already sharpening their weapons and preparing for the grand slaughter that would take place soon. Akihisa and Mutsurrini were among them, blending in with the rest of the FFF just as well.

"It is time for battle everyone! Other people's happiness is our poison! Thus, tomorrow, on Valentine's day, we shall set up guards all around campus to catch the heretics that are taking part in the handing out of chocolate. They shall face execution!"

"All heretics shall die!"

"All fools shall die!"

"All guys that are lucky enough to receive chocolate shall die!"

""""Valentine's day's red heart is covered in blood!""""

And thus followed a grand strategic meeting to decide where the guards should be placed and other methods of security for the fated battle.

"Sheesh, just what extents will those guys go to?"

I couldn't help but sigh as I watched the fools go about, plotting to destroy all those more popular than them.

"Hey, Yuuji."

I blinked and looked up to see a familiar face walking towards me.

"Oh, hey Hideyoshii. Don't you have club practice?"

My classmate, Kinoshita Hideyoshii, was nonchalantly walking up to me and took a seat next to the spot where I was lying down.

"In fact, my club practice had just ended. I just came to pick up my bag."

Hideyoshii narrowed his eyes as he stretched down and picked up his bag from beside his seat. He really did have a feminine face, even though he's such a guy. In truth, lately I've wondered whether Hideyoshii was actually a guy or not…

"Shit."

"What? Dost thou have a problem, Yuuji?"

"Yeah, for a second there, I felt like a very important last line of defense had just broken done…"

My god… I absolutely can't let myself get caught by Hideyoshii's spell. My sanity relies on this.

"I don't understand. Thou must be quite tired."

"Yeah maybe… my minds not in the exact best condition right now."

Ah, even his usual sharpness and foresight seems like a trait that a girl would have. Come on; get a hold of yourself, Sakamoto Yuuji.

"By the way, I've been wondering. But what are the others doing?"

Hideyoshii motioned towards the gang of FFF who were shouting as they argued over their strategic plan.

I made an exasperated look. I really think that Class F is just so… oh wait, I'm in Class F, as well, aren't I.

"Yeah, the idiots over there are currently preparing for Valentine's day. They're planning to rip apart the lovely joy of the day and replace it with terror and fear."

"Oh, so they're just doing the usual?"

"Yeah, just the usual."

What kind of twisted world is this where planning to destroy a couple's happiness becomes the norm? That is a question that deserves a noble prize for a decent answer.

"Are Akihisa and Mutsurrini joining Sugawa-kun and the others?"

"Yeah, seems like it. Those two are just as bad as the rest."

Speaking of which, for Akihisa to work together with the group that causes a good number of his troubles must show just how desperate those guys are. I bet he doesn't even realize that Shimada and Himeji are probably going to give him chocolate. That guy needs to get gain self-awareness.

As for Mutsurrini, he's always fought on the FFF's side except when he's been personally targeted or when he's been persuaded to join the other side.

"I see… those guys really switch sides way too often."

"Not really. They're enemies 90% of the time. The other 10% is when they're in extreme danger. Apparently, Valentine's day counts as extreme danger."

"I see…"

I once more sighed, not caring about the escaping happiness. I wonder just how crazy Valentine's day will end up…

And so, the day passed. While the entire gang was asleep in their beds, with the exception of Akihisa who was busy discreetly playing a video game while his sister was asleep, Valentine's day passed and the fated day came…

* * *

Sakamoto Yuuji

I yawned heavily as I strode up the usual hill that led towards school. Humans are creatures that rely heavily on their memory. Because of this, we develop a pattern that we end up following all the time. How we brush our teeth in the morning, how we go take a shower, how we ride a bicycle and even how we walk, breath and such all rely on our memory. If the brain cells that held this info were to be lost, than the result would be… disastrous.

So, I followed my everyday habit of walking up the school hill in the same way that I always did. I couldn't help but notice the heavier atmosphere that was rippling through the surrounding area. A pink colored aura of romance made the air feel heavier than as usual. Perhaps my lungs couldn't handle the vast amounts of sugar that was flowing around. Oh well, it's not like anything similar will be happening to me-

"…Yuuji"

"Wahhh!"  
With the sudden appearance of Shouko, I immediately launched myself a few steps backwards and threw away my bag. My hands shook with the weight of the crackling tension that was produced and I raised them, in the stance that I had used so long ago, when fighting everyday was the norm… no wait, I still fight for survival every day of my life.

"…Yuuji, why are you getting ready to brawl, all of the sudden?"

"And you ask me why? Isn't it obvious? The last time you suddenly appeared on my way to school, I was hit by a stun gun. The time before that I was tied up and chained to a pole. And the time before that I was drugged. Not to mention that time when I found myself constantly on the line between life and death. Of course I would react after all that."

"…it must be tough for you."

"YOU'RE THE PRIME SOURCE OF THIS PAIN, YOU KNOW!"

Don't just nonchalantly pretend you're not a part of this! No sane person would be able to go through all that I've faced and still be able to laugh it off. It's not possible, dammit!

"…anyways, Yuuji…"

"Oi, why are you just casually redirecting the topic?"

"…I um… have something to give you. So, would you please accept it?"

"Eh?"

I could see Shouko's face slightly redden as she reached into her bag to probably give me whatever she was referring to. Wait… she wants me to accept it… and knowing Shouko than that meant... It's that damn marriage certificate!

Is that girl still trying to get that accepted by the government and is asking me for my signature? Oh my god, she's so… I can't take this anymore. This is it, I have to clearly express that I do not want to be married, even if I have to be a little cruel.

"… here, Yuuji-"

"No, I don't need it."

"Eh?"

"I said that I'm not going to accept it."

"…wha…"

"Did you not hear me? I said that I don't want it. I'd rather die than accept that piece of trash!"

"…"

"If you get it than-"

A crisp sound echoed through the air. I felt a sharp impact strike my cheek and the hissing pain gush out of the red hand print on my face. I was filled with a sense of surprise and confusion as everyone happened so fast. But most of all, I saw tears streak down her face.

"…Yuuji, you're the worst."

She muttered and took off, leaving me standing alone on the silent hill.

* * *

Akihisa Yoshii

"Alright, I should be able to make it on time…"

I hurried up the hill while stereotypically gripping a loaf of toast in my mouth. Because of the specialty of today, Ane-san was especially touchy this morning and it took all of my effort to make it out the front door, thus my current lateness. However, if I run I should be able to…

"Yoshii, hold it right there."

"Huh? What do you want Sugawa-kun?"

Standing by the school's gate was Sugawa and a few other class F members. I stopped in front of them since I was called out.

"Yoshii, we're going to have to inspect your bag in case you received any chocolates on your way to school."

"Eh?"

"Just give us your bag."

"Fine, here. Hurry up, class will start soon."

Impatiently, I tossed them my bag. If they don't do this quickly, Ironman will mark us as late and we'll all be sent to his special Attendance remedial, which is just another excuse to torture young innocent souls.

"Hmm… let's see… textbook, textbook, video game, text book, notebook, ero-book that you have to lend me…"

"No."

"Dammit!"

Just how did he even notice the ero-book that I had hidden in a secret compartment that was specially invented so that Ane-san wouldn't find it? The FFF's ero senses are very powerful.

"Well, other than the ero-book that you have to lend me…"

"I said no, didn't I?"

"Dammit… other than the ero-book, there seems to not be any chocolate inside. You may pass."

He gave me back the bag, and got out of the way so that I could enter the school.

Sheesh, those guys don't realize that I'm one of them. There's no way that I could get anything like chocolate…

A soft thump sounded from under me. Wondering what it was, I looked down and found a large red heart box with a sign that read:

To: Aki-kun

From: Ane-san

I see… she must have sneaked it into someplace… maybe a secret compartment in my bag… or perhaps a flap in my blazer? I have to give her points for being so sneaky and clever…

"Yoshii…prepare to die."

Shit.

* * *

Kinoshita Hideyoshii

"What are you guys doing?"

I looked into the usual Class F classroom to find the usual scene of chaos. Except this time, the FFF had set up a special drowning tank which they had put Akihisa in. I'm glad that they're using their creativity but I'd be troublesome if they get the classroom wet. We have a tatami floor after all…

"Hideyoshii, please don't look at the water tank and quickly save me!"

"Oh right, sorry."

I blinked and looked up at Akihisa who was trying his best to swim without being able to use his arms.

Just what did he do anyways? Well, considering that today was Valentine's day, he probably received some chocolate. Considering that neither Himeji nor Minami were here yet, he must have received something from somebody besides those two. The biggest possibility would be that it was from his sister or something but it could also be from someone else…

Wait! Now that I think about it, last night Aneue forbid me from going into the kitchen. Later, after she was done, I found traces of chocolate bar wrappers. Don't tell me…

"Hey, Akihisa. Have thou seen my sister today?"

"What? I can't hear you. I have water in my ear."

"I said, have you talked to my sister today?"

"Huh? Kinoshita-san? No, I can't say I have."

Okay, so it wasn't Ane-san who gave him chocolate. Such a relief. If that's the case he probably just got chocolate from his sister or something.

"Hey, would it be possible if you guys let him out of there?"

I asked Keita who was in charge of Akihisa's execution.

"Hmm… even if it's you, Kinoshita-san, I don't think we can make the exception for killing the blasted traitor."

"I see… sorry, Akihisa, I tried."

"What? You mean I'm actually going to die? No! Health, Health me!"

"It's help me, okay?"

Well, it should be fine. Usually at a time like this…

"Oi, brats. Get to your seats!"

Ironman will arrive.

"We'll finish this after class, Yoshi."

"Hell no!"

Akihisa was let down now that Ironman had arrived. I read in a book that if you put a wolf, a sheep and a tiger on the same ship, the wolf would not go and eat the sheep immediately. This is because both of the animals would be put under the intimidating eyes of the stronger tiger which would cause them both to not make any moves despite the wolf normally eating the sheep.

This phenomenon can be seen very clearly with this textbook case. While normally, the FFF would kill Akihisa, now that Ironman was in the room, they wouldn't dare.

Everyone else from Class F started drifting into the classroom. Before the bell rang, the entire class was sitting there, ready to not learn another day's worth of classes.

* * *

And that's the first part of the fanfic... second part will be posted eventually.


End file.
